Insanely sane… Surviving qualmless.

Insanely sane… Surviving qualmless.
I'm not a perfect person, But I never meant to do those things; And so I have to say before I go, That I just want myself to know. I've found out a reason for me,; To change who I used to be A reason to start over new, and the reason is you. I've found a reason to show, A side of me you didn't know; A reason for all that I do, Before I let you go...

Saturday, May 30, 2009


I find myself at peace

Engulfed in the brief darkness that envelopes,

As I switch off all the lights to go out;

Before I open the door.


I search for myself in the memories

The epitome of purity as a child,

When I lay alone with a story book ;

Blissfully oblivious of my future.


I experience only myself within me

As sleep engulfs all my worries,

As I lay aside my work;

Letting sleep kiss my closed eyelids.


I marvel at my chaste smile

As my little brother runs up to me,

And takes my hand lovingly, unaware of

The turmoil that has left me restless for days.


I marvel at my vivacity

When all my friends come up to my place,

And I strive to meet all their needs;

And entertain them at my best.


I revere at my sense of respect

When the old grandma blesses me everyday,

As I touch her feet and she places her hand on my head;

Before setting out for the weary day at college.


I wonder at the transparency of my tears

As didi’s memories suddenly engulf me at midnights,

Causing a steady stream of restless tears;

Searching for her amidst this wilderness.


I tremble as I loathe myself

The sweet memories that tarnished my innocence,

Snatched away my dear sister.

Amazed as I still perceive glimpses of me,

Which I thought was lost forever;

Amidst this intricate shadow left of myself.



My sems have ultimately finished. :)

Please do read and comment on my efforts if you find this post popping up anywhere near you :P

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Washing away the sins it came...

The rain and storm

Wrecked havoc in the earth

Just after you left me devastated…

Sitting motionless by the window she watched the rain flow away in misty spells as the playful wind came chasing. It was early morning, the day she had an exam and it was pouring down in torrents. The field beside the apartment was already a pool with the wind drawing furrows in the mucky water. She had always loved these spells of rain, but now it nauseated her as did the promises.

It was mid-day now, and the rain was still pouring down gleefully. Furrows of concern appeared on her forehead as the time of the exam approached and the rain had still not shown any signs of stopping. Their was not a soul to be seen on the street, not even the stray dogs!

Finally it did not stop; hating it she dressed up in sundaes and went out. It was impossible to open the umbrella as the wind blew it away every time she tried. Gradually the water started seeping down her as she tried to dodge a spray of muddy water when a car sped by. There were neither cars nor buses nor autos available, and it irritated her even more. Ultimately an auto stopped and she got into it. Even that did not offer any respite, rain water sprayed from all sides of the open vehicle causing her to flinch unconsciously. The streets were more or less empty save some people scurrying about for shelter. Even the old beggar by the turning was not their. 

The aurorikshaw-walla did not go as far as her college, he dropped her mid way saying a big tree had uprooted near the university so their was a huge jam and consequently no vehicles could pass. The rain pelted down on her again as she wended her way amongst the scurrying people, now she herself being a part of them, jumping over pools of water.

Getting into the university she felt pleased at herself for having made her way here without any further fuss. But odds were against her today. Just as she approached the department building, a huge tree which had fallen lay blocking her way! Standing their perplexed for sometime, she gradually made her way through it hopping from one spot to another through the muddy tangle. Ultimately she got into the department and heaved a sigh of relief.

People were huddled around the entrance waiting for the rain to mellow down before making their way out to the inviting muddy world. Everywhere everybody was discussing how bad the cyclone had hit the city and how many trees had been uprooted and how many people had been injured or had died. She just wanted to shut out the rain and run away! She hated it. Running up the stairs she met her friends standing before the HOD`s room.

“Hey, the exam has been called off”, one shouted at her as she approached them.

“What, what the hell!”, she exclaimed, “I came betting myself against all odds and the exam has been cancelled”. She felt very angry.

Then continued the tryst with the Head to take the exam.

The discussion went on for a long time; every thing was fixed, again cancelled… Ultimately it was cancelled!

People ran about shouting for everyone to return home by three or to stay back. A red alert had been given after three, and everyone had been forbidden to stay out-doors as the cyclone was predicted to hit even hard after that.

Luckily a friend offered to drop her back home and she graciously accepted the offer.


Ultimately, everything ensued she returned back home soaked to the skin, sneezing and feeling feverish. A quick hot bath and warm coffee followed. Everything done for the day, she was back to her place now, with a hot cup of coffee and her favorite story book cuddled up amidst pillows.

She looked out of her window to the chilly wind and pelting rain and saw a guy running for shelter. She smiled, her mind went back to the disgust she had felt while going out and everything she had done till then re-winded itself.


Contemplating, she felt happy. It had suddenly struck her that she had not remembered him even once all this time. She felt grateful to the rain once again as she stretched out her hand to catch some of the molten drops…

… It will be hard to get over

I will still forget “you” never

But I will get over you

Get over your “memories” forever.


Feels as if the cyclone has hit me! It has nearly been a week now since the ordeal has been prevailing. It is hard, but it is harder alone. Am missing didi very much now, I need you now! I can just feel how you felt when… C has been a great support, comfort and strength. Thanks, it’s for you that I am stable and sane till now dear. Last exam had been postponed; I am not quite over with the semesters till now, hoping to finish them by the 29th of the month. Meanwhile mumma back home is very upset, my little bro is finally going away to the boarding school. I myself just cant figure out how I’ll return back home and not see him around. Life of late seems to be staggering, staggering with some invisible burden that I seem to be carrying on my shoulders willingly! I don’t even feel sane always, I just don’t feel myself but some body else whom my skin has sheltered, feels as if sometimes I go out of my head, I just don’t know why…

A broken teapot

An ink stained mattress

The pale light seeping in

The half open windows

I sit and stare out aimless

My world was never like this…!

I sleep hour after hour

Motionless emotionless

Everything seems broken

Maybe I exceeded

Limits to my expectations…

Give me some Peace, oh Rain!

This is my first post after the cyclone “Aila” ravaged Kolkata. It has been devastating, the ‘city of joy’, is now joyless with the cyclone claiming the largest number of figures amongst the recent natural calamities, 17 lives with innumerable more injured and several more le
ft homeless. The streets are a sight now along with our university. I felt sad today as I saw the uproote
d trees, some of which lay motionless by the side of the road in sad plight, whereas one of them has fallen breaking the sturdy boundary  along with it! It has been raining again since today evening and it is getting all the more depressing, although I ran upstairs and got wet first! 

Half of the city lay in darkness since then deprived of electricity. Thanks to our phase of connection, I did not have to undergo the trauma of the power cut, but their was no net connectivity, hence comes my delayed post after everything has already passed and everybody is restoring back to normalcy…

Please do read and comment on my efforts if you find this post popping up anywhere near you :P

Sunday, May 24, 2009

You made 'Yourself' terribly memorable!

It is nothing else

Just that you are not being yourself.

You are dismissive

You are distancing yourself,

Our words move you a lot;

Then why do you feign coldness?


Why can’t you just be you?

Our humor device

The place to vent out in distress,

Where are you going?

Someplace where you lost yourself?

Treading the paths you loathed.


Hate me, I just don’t care.

But refrain from hating yourself;

I indeed care for that.

I remember you in your typical stands

I considered you in you classy change

I saw you endure through wind and rain.


Now you try distancing yourself

Think you I won’t get a wisp,

You remember your thoughts dear?

The times when I mocked your dress?

Smiled at your funny crush?

And called you up on a hasty yen?


Having reduced your presence to a laugh,

You mock me to my depth…

Come back dear to the isolated pastures

The places you made terribly memorable

We miss you awfully often

Only if you knew that even!


 2.21am, 24th May.

 This is intended for a close friend of mine who has no quite been his own self. Please come back as your own cheery self is all I pray L

Please do read and comment on my efforts if you find this post popping up anywhere near you :P

Thursday, May 21, 2009


“Papa”, little Smriti exclaimed joyfully as she spied the car turn the curb into the narrow stretch by the field. She bounded down the stairs as he parked the car. He took her up in his arms and kissed her on the forehead, “I am back my sweet darling, see I am early for you”.

 She kissed him on the cheek and said, “The fair is over papa, they took away the big peacock today”, making a big circle with her hands.

“Oh, that’s sad.”

“Have you brought my chocolate?”

He nodded his head, “Yes I have, but did you behave yourself today? Is mumma home?”

 Her face dropped instantly and she continued in a grave voice, “I have a complaint papa.”

“Complaint…eh?”, he raised his eyebrows.

“Mumma scolded me this morning. I want you to scold mumma for that.”

“Oh, did she scold my little pie?  I will scold her very much, but, by the way why did she scold you?”

She stared at him for a few moments as they headed up the stairs, then gave him an apologetic grin and suddenly jumped, embraced him tight and whispered in his ears , “I did not do my homework”,  burying her face in the nape of his neck.

 Amused at his daughter’s mischievousness, he gave a slight smile.



“Bye dearie, we will be back soon. Behave yourself. Ok?”, he hugged her tight before setting her down. She waved at him leaning over the stairs as the maid took her in and closed the door.


 He walked by the huge ground to the car. The fair had just been over and the ground was fairly empty, save some lone shops which were still being packed up. Rest of it was full of discarded paper and plastic bags, paper plates and discarded cardboard boxes… it was a total mess. This end of the fair had always dismayed him, just as it did to his daughter since his childhood. To him it had always been an end to the erstwhile celebrations and fun. The fair had always delighted him, but now-a-days it was different especially after she conceived. The noise and lights would trouble her no end and she would have no rest. Thankfully it was over, she would be able to rest quietly now.


 Work at the office was becoming strenuous day by day as the end of the year approached. Life had ever since been unfair to him. He was always the guinea pig who was being continuously tested upon. An evening of delightful partying had turned into a disaster and since then life had been a living hell. Motherless along with his mentally unstable father had made living a nightmare. He had been the man of the family, a family of a mentally unstable father an eleven year old son! Until off-course, she came and bestowed love in his life like some shining angel out of the stars. Everything was perfect now.


 She would be waiting for him at the school, and he was sure she would be tired. The day would definitely stress her out, moreover after all the check ups and the work strain. He had already asked the maid to prepare dinner so that she would be able to rest after they got home.



  He silently pushed open the door, it creaked disturbingly. The room was pitch dark, save some light filtering through the stained glass windows. It was Friday, and it had been his ritual since ages.

“Father”, he called out silently to the gaunt figure sitting mutely on the bed.

The old man looked up. “You have come again?”, he asked visibly annoyed.

“How are you father?”, he asked.

“Did you bring her along?”.

He stood their silently uncertain of what to say.

“Where is your mother?”, he screamed!

“I have told you before, mamma is no more papa…”, he said earnestly sitting down at his knees.

“Shut up. She is alive, you are lying, I know she is…”, he continues viciously, “…you are hiding her from me…”, he fainted.


 He held him in his arms and stared at the calmly agonized face. Father had never been able to come to terms with mamma’s demise. Sometimes he felt irritated of his outbursts and inability to understand…

They were returning from a dinner party. The evening had been delightful with lots of fun and cakes. They are exhausted. Mumma was carrying then, 3 months. He was in the back seat, alone and papa was driving. As they took a bend into the side lane to their house, their was a flash, a screech of brakes and a huge crash. He bumped forward. Mumma screamed. A crowd of faces and a clamor of voices was all he remembered before he sunk into unconsciousness. It had been an angst-ridden existence for him since.


“When did you come son?” his father asked. He had recovered consciousness while he was engulfed in ruminating.

“Just now papa. How are you?”

“They are not treating me well, I did not have dinner yesterday…” Complaints. 

He walked back silently through the dark dirt track back to the car. Unlocked the door and got inside. His insides were churning, twisting with agony. He remembered the lullaby’s that momma used to sing while putting him to sleep. The comforting arms and the soothing voice. Had she been here everything would have been all right. He remembered the peace that reigned at home in her presence and the emptiness he used to feel when she was no more. He felt like screaming, “Why did you leave us…?”.


The cell flashed. It was she, his wife. “Where are you? I am feeling exhausted…”

Her voice calmed his heated mind. He loved her, loved her more than his life. She had given him everything since, cooled his restless quest… provided him the peace and sanctity of a home, been his friend, wife, mother, partner, it was for her that he had survived.



 She was waiting, her gaze searching anxiously for the car. She was their, his life.

He opened the door for her as she got in. She pecked him on the cheek… he looked perturbed.


“I love you”, he muttered as the car hummed to life.

They sliced through the highway. Cars oozed past, flashing their headlights.

“Your daughter is as mischievous as ever! She complained that you had scolded her and so I should scold you too”, he said.

She laughed gesturing, “You just don’t know what she has been doing these two days. Every time I was scolding her, she was calling you up from her mobile-pencil-box and complaining!”


Both of them laughed out aloud. This little fairy had been the focal point of their life since she was born. They had named her “Smriti”, memories with love.  


Teasing her he said, “Yes, you should remember whose daughter she is, has to be mischievous”.

They chatted away, his perturbation dissipating.


Suddenly, a screech of brakes. She screamed.


A huge crowd had gathered. They were taking her out. He stared on mutely. It seemed to be a bad dream.



He sat quietly on the bed in the pitch dark room, staring blankly into space.



Fate mocks, destiny screams

You join in the mirth unheeding

Fate plans, destiny undertakes

You play it safe until it breaks

Fate spins, destiny unravels dreams

You gaze on, your world crashing…




This is my really very first attempt at fiction. Please do let me know how you like it, so that I may overcome the short comings that I have made in this first try. Thanks to C and S who helped me a lot in giving the work it’s true essence.

Please do read and comment on my efforts if you find this post popping up anywhere near you :P

Monday, May 18, 2009

Is it my You?

Twisting and turning

Sleepless in bed

As the night mocks past

The haunting hours

You creep by me

As I fight over darkness


Sweet memories undaunted linger

As molten dreams rain unhindered

Solace had your return been

When I rejoiced unseen

But you… was it you?

“My same you?”


You laughed, you talked

But my caresses, you recognized them not.

You were immersed in yourself

Me but some anonymous creature

You cared not to care

But you… was it you?

“My same you?”


The same eyes

The same lips, your brows

As they rose in frown

The large hands, the mole

Everything is you

But you… was it you?

“My same you?”


I am sore, I am through

Through with identifying you

It is you, my same you

The one before I lost you

I missed you

Now… it is you?

“My same you?”


But you are hers

How can you be my you?

You are you

But you are hers

You forsook me

You are hers

You are ‘you’

“But… you are not my “You”!”


  Sorry for sounding so low of late. I was not well for a few days contineously, guess that took a toll on my thoughts. Thanks for staying by me. I dint know that I had so many good friends by me! Thank you very much. :)

Please do read and comment on my efforts if you find this post popping up anywhere near you :P