Insanely sane… Surviving qualmless.

Insanely sane… Surviving qualmless.
I'm not a perfect person, But I never meant to do those things; And so I have to say before I go, That I just want myself to know. I've found out a reason for me,; To change who I used to be A reason to start over new, and the reason is you. I've found a reason to show, A side of me you didn't know; A reason for all that I do, Before I let you go...

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Eternal Ethics.

Eternal harmony played on taut

As I reinforced myself to face

The best of struggles raging within me

Blessed be the stars that have perked up

To witness me, and me alone

In this quest to freeing myself.


Two opposite horizons playing tough

None losing a chance to tease.

The constant struggle to keep up,

Whatever was left of the expectant

To stare at the blissful expecting.


Where have my senses fled

To somewhere unknown

Absence of ethics might have helped

Getting over the fight.

It’s shattering me.


Squeezing me Tight

Nothing left to give anymore

I’m sold, sold to my destiny.

Neither ethics nor senses helped

When I turned to give it a final shot.


3.15am, 22nd March, Sunday.

Will be away from blogging of a few days, will be out of station... will be missing yea... :(

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Friday, April 24, 2009

Her World.

It was again after a long time that the net was creating problems. It was frustrating sometimes, staying alone.

 She buried her face in the pillow and streams rained out. It was after a long time, she cried. It was almost midnight and everything was dead silent, except for the music playing softly “What I want is what I have got”!

 It seemed to be one of the most contradictory sessions of her life. Everything around her was perfect; in fact it was supposedly the most harmonized time of her life, which was in an upheaval till now. The perfect time to sing, “What I want is what I have got”. Instead she was their, sprawled out on the huge bed, face buried in the pillow, crying her heart out. She just felt so.

 She had not spoken to him for four days, she did not know why! He was sick when she had last spoken to him. But he would never understand her worries… Studies were going haystack…! Even ‘he’ dint seem to care. Everyone seemed to be using her. Using for their own benefit. The world seemed to be full of nice friends, but here she was crying her heart out when nobody even had a wisp of that! Everybody seemed to care for her, her existence… one asked for her birthday gift, another to accompany her for shopping, while somebody asked her to come to college to borrow a book from her, while others called her up because they were frustrated or were feeling lonely or because they did not have any work. Nevertheless she cared little for their intentions, to spare her from feeling lonely she loved to speak. Still, she was maybe one of the quietest persons on earth, for, for the better part of the day she was alone, alone with her work, solitude and music accompanying incessantly. Other times ‘accompanying others’ because they needed her.

 Striving to cheer up her lone self she though; Yes, everybody indeed cares, for this lone existence.

 Tired of crying so long, her head ached and so did her heart. She took the pen, turned to the last page of her notebook and started penning down her thoughts…

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Thursday, April 23, 2009

She cries, Abused.

The sultry afternoon

Failed to dampen the spirits

Razing within the souls.

Harassing dampening killing

The little futures around.

It’s horrendous, it’s horrible

They scream. They try to scream against.

They stretch their hands.

They try to touch me.

To console me.


But why should you?

He didn’t think while doing this,

Why are you thinking now?

The broken cannot be put together,

It is smashed, my spirits.

It crawls under my skin.

Every time the memories

Return to haunt me again.

The trauma I had undergone

The soddenness I felt

When he de-sanctified me.

But I was naïve,

He told me it was natural

Then is the unnatural better?

Leave me to myself

Oh Lord!

It has been a nightmare,

To revive it is nightmarish.

Why did you deflower me?

Robbing me of my innocence,

Weren’t you my father, dad?

You gave me life

You snatched it away too.

I will never be able to get over this.

You will never be able to undo what you did.


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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I winked at my own 'Littleness'...!

Don’t you feel bugged when unable to bolg in time? I do feel so. Yesterday night was one such instance. Their was a long long power cut, and I was alone in the dark, as ever!


Went over to the window. A calm breeze was cooling the heated minds. It was a clear moon lit night. A few heads were yawning in the ground outside with occasional bouts of gossips. The huge fair outside had calmed down under the drowsing effect of the silvery night. Everything was cool, calm and soothingly silent. Saving the concrete gilded structures rising jaggedly, everything was at its natural best. The silvery clear night had not a hint of artificiality breaking its spell. A distant insect like creature suddenly blinked into view far far above. Seemed like a multi light saucer blinking in the horizon. It seemed very tiny to me, as if fit to fit into my palm. But wasn’t it a huge airplane?

Then… even I must appear to be so very tiny to them. Or it maybe that they couldn’t even see me! Strange, I felt. Me, this creature who would appear a giant to ants was not even visible to these humans flying over me.


I had a strange sensation, as if traveling backwards, as if I was standing on the brink of a vast ocean. If I was not even visible to those humans inside an iron vessel, then where do I fit into this huge universe…? I am then just a tiny speck of humanity. Something even smaller than a wasp to this solar system, and they suppose truth, justice, temperament everything to be in our grasps? My pride of being a human being, an individual shriveled up tragically! This huge me, I’m just a non-entity-like-creature in this world! Huh!

I felt so little, so little that I started smiling, as Swift put it, “I winked at my own Littleness” ;).

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Monday, April 20, 2009


You live in my thoughts, while you die in hers.

You stay in my words, while you are forsaken in hers.

You are my eternity, while you eternalize her...

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Sunday, April 19, 2009

A trubute to "Friedrich Holderlin".

'Another day'

Another day. I follow another path,
Enter the leafing woodland, visit the spring
Or the rocks where the roses bloom
Or search from a look-out, but nowhere

Love are you to be seen in the light of day
And down the wind go the words of our once so
Beneficent conversation...

Your beloved face has gone beyond my sight,
The music of your life is dying away
Beyond my hearing and all the songs
That worked a miracle of peace once on

My heart, where are they now? It was long ago,
So long and the youth I was has aged nor is
Even the earth that smiled at me then
The same. Farewell. Live with that word always.

For the soul goes from me to return to you
Day after day and my eyes shed tears that they
Cannot look over to where you are
And see you clearly ever again.

                                               ----- Friedrich Holderlin.


Had an assignment about “Romantic Poets”. Searching for a suitable poem, came across this one by Friedrich Holderlin, and stuck their. Could neither move from the poem nor stop reading it. Was already appalled by this poet when ’had first read his “Longing for Death” and consequently his biography. But when ’came across this one, was simply spellbound. Maybe, this is one of the best poems that ’ve come across.

 Though not strictly considered amongst the Romantic Poets of the era, Holderlin is still considered one of the best poets of German Romanticism. Having been abandoned by his family members for having an insane streak and subsequently cared after by a certain ardent admirer of his, he is one of the most admired poets of the century.  And even horrifying enough is to know that being a world famous poet by the end of his days; his funeral was consciously avoided by every member of his family.

 Holderlin was adverse to the artificiality of the society around him, and as a consequence which he constantly withdrew into himself, deaf to the living world around him. This solipsistic existence of his was said to be triggered by the death of his only love “Diotima”, who though provided him with solace when his whole world of relations collapsed around him resulting into his isolation, died in the prime of the relation. Her death never left him in peace until he left this mortal existence to unite with his only love; forever. Horrified by the ceremony society bestowed upon the dead, in which the most loved one of the parted is lost in the crowd, he shunned all social existence.

I bow down to one of the best and greatest poets of the Romantic 18th century era. Wherever you are, you rest deepest within my heart forever. Death at least once unable to uproot socially my admirations for you…


“Silent now let me be! Never hence forth let me know

This, my deadly disgrace, so that in peace I may

Hide myself where it’s lonely

And the parting at least be ours.”

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Saturday, April 18, 2009

To C, see...

You drool over the drone

You lose yourself in thoughts unknown,

Motionless in the corner you immerse yourself

Over worries hard to divulge to some un-known.

Hiding the drops that betray your composure

You set up the image of an eternal cynosure.


Think you, I am lost to notice

Your antics amidst the brawling thesis

Knew I not you to keep you forever?

Then why take chances testing me ever,

Come reveal me if anything bothers you slightly ever.

P.S. Today I complete twenty whole posts of mine, and am elated about it. :)

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Friday, April 17, 2009

Eternal partings.

PS.  Continued from the earlier post “Eternal Partings”.

The shadow seems to have created a veil over everybody. It is as if everybody is thinking about her, thinking thinking and thinking…

Yesterday as I returned from college, my next door aunty informed me that another of the uncles traveling in the car had expired in the afternoon…! Feels as if I am waking up to death, living it and sleeping with it for the past few days. The pall of gloom refuses to leave us in peace. God, when you take away our dear ones from us, then why don’t you take away their memories along with them too…?



Mamoni [my little maid, whose mother I had related previously was very sick], is an ever smiling young girl whom I am used to see smiling inspire of everything that happens with her at home. Today morning she came up to me along with her even little sister and said…


M: Didi mumma is very sick; they are taking her to the hospital.

I: Why? What happened again?

M: She fainted and is having an acute pain in the stomach.

I: Oh ok.

M: Didi, you told me you will help us… can you lend us some money?

[She never asks me for money]

I: Yap definitely, how much do you need?

M: Anything didi, as you think best… she is very sick didi, I can’t see her… there is nobody at home…


Saying so she broke down into tears. The little child started crying uncontrollably unable to control herself anymore. She was crying! I couldn’t see her thus…

I gave her as much as I could and she ran away, crying.


I pray that her mumma gets well. I wish the curse of death leaves the auntie’s downstairs, it has been already too much for them, three members of the family expiring… uncle expired on the day they finished the rituals for the two aunties.

Please pray that her mumma gets well soon, she requires eight bottles of blood. Please pray for the little girl and her mumma.


Please help us and guide us towards the light, Oh Devine Light, guide us to our fortunes to the betterment of ourselves, towards peace and harmony, Show us our way in this dreary darkness, Oh Divine Light!

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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Subho Noboborsho.

Aj ei Boisakhe,

Sudur prantore dure dure, Banglar

Sonali Roddure makha anonde…

Boro choto, mishti sandeshe

Pranpone chawa ei dintate.

Sobuje sobuje bhore othe pran,

Prokrity day tan, Bangalir

Ghore ghore beje othe sonkho

Jole othe prodip

Griho Debotar aagomoni raage charidik…

Aj ei boisakhe, aahobane…

Subho Noboborsho.

Subho Noboborsho 1416 elo, bidai die 1415.

Subho Poila Boisakh.

Anonde sugundhe lakshmi Ganesh pujo r saathe ei amader Poila Boisakh.



Today is the “Bengali New Year’s day”. On this happy and auspicious occasion amidst the homecoming of “Lakshmi and Ganesha”, I wish everybody “A Very Very Happy New Year” with lots of pleasant moments to cherish and happiness…

“Happy New Year”



“Subho Noboborsho”.

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Eternal Partings.

Death is the permanent termination of the biological functions that define a living organism.”…

The wekipedia definition defines it so.


It was as if death was in the air. Woke up early today to let Mamoni in [my little maid, her mamma’s ill of late of appendicitis]. She came in cheerfully and announced vibrantly, “Didi my mum’s dying. Her pain has increased”. Smiling thus, she went to work! I stood stunned for a few minutes trying to ascertain my sleep fuzzed mind that it had heard right. On asking her twice I received the same answer with an elaborate explanation of her mammas pain.


“Death” to children is a very subjective thing which happens as one has cough and cold! They happen not to think of it as an eternal parting but as something very certain that will happen. This little child spoke those poisonous words oblivious of their meaning! I shivered at the hour, it was early morning.


Was at home during the course of the day. Saw two hearse vans. Felt strange because I never see them around in this part of the locality. Something strange was about in the air.

The very prospect of death shudders. When people refrain from staying away from home for even a day, the prospect of leaving it forever, living somewhere alien to me, my own ones, and my own place… the very prospect seemed horrifying.


Slept through the better part of the day. As a lazy evening dawned on, my caretaker uncle informed me that the grandma downstairs had an accident today afternoon while returning home and had expired in hospital. I was stunned!


She would not be here anymore; I wouldn’t see her again or get to speak to her. She was no more. I felt nauseated. The whole apartment was silent as if in death. Staying alone, silence doesn’t perturb me, but this silence suffocated. As the silence, the muteness of death. It screamed silent sentiments of everything, to which every bosom returned an echo. Is it only a physical end? It is an end to the stay in the world, an end to everything… her intellectualism, her unarranged cupboard, her unfinished shopping, her to be resumed gossips, her favorite television soaps, her favorite shoes, her grandchild, her beliefs, her faith, her life… where do I keep these?


Haven’t faced this enigma ever. But have seen a parting closely… it came back to me… My sister, the day she had left us forever, which I silently recollect now as the only immortality ever to have been mortal. It completes every incompleteness and every perturbation within a soul forever, an eternal parting.


 “It is the night of this unquiet day called life. In the sleep of death the sickness, the sorrows, the chagrin, the beliefs which never cease to disturb unhappy living men… repose forever.”


1.50 am, 13th April.


P.S They brought her today, she was totally mangled up! I was not at home, thanking God ever since for not having to witness the horrifying scene. Their were four people in the car. Heard today afternoon that, saving grandpa, the other two persons have also expired. Am speechless. 

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Monday, April 13, 2009

Aim lone.

Lost in the field of loneliness

I wander about aimlessly

Aimlessness has made me lonely

Still, it is what I am.

Spying a flash of light in the haze

I run towards it in a daze

Deceived by the bright rainbow

Too late to comprehend

Its heinous shadow.

Until charred by its love

I try to flee…!

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Sunday, April 12, 2009

Love Story, one night... of a Princess.

Part I

She was one of the most care free creatures, without a care for anything in the world, ever smiling and pulling out jokes and stunts… she would have made anybody envy her happiness. Masti at college and chatting as well as story books at home made up her day.


One night having nothing to do… on a sudden impulse she entered a chat room in rediff and started chatting randomly. She used to do this a lot before, but not of late. Most of the guys she found boring, some geeky. Others fine but not anyone who could match her sense of witty humor. Suddenly somebody buzzed her,


He:  Hello.

She:  Hi.

She:  ASL please.

He:  23 M Mumbai.

He:  Yours?

She:  18 F Kolkata.

She:  So what do you do?


[Again the same boring round of introductions…!L]


He:  Hey lets cut this part out and have a little off the track conversation.

She:  Cool


He:  How is mast at college? Hope you are in a college…

She:  Yeah dude I am. College is mast yaar. Yours?

He:  Mera toh mast. No padai, only mast dhulai.

She:  Ha ha. You seem to be a cool person yaar.

He:  Was that a complement? Thanks then J

She:  Yeah. :)

He:  Hello, Aditya here.

She:  Hii, Divya.

He:  Cool name. J


And on and on it went…


2.46 am.


He:  Hey do you have any other ID…? Yahoo or G talk?

She:  Sure.




3.17 am.


He:  Its late yaar, I just forgot tracking up time: P

She:  Yeah it is late, am feeling a bit sleepy now.

He:  lol, me too.

She:  Fine then.

He:  Hey, come online tomorrow at 9.30 pm.

She:  sure, fine. J

He:  Ok then, bye.

She:  Bye, Good night.

He:  Good night, will miss you.

She:  Will miss you too.

He:  Fine, please be online tomorrow.

She:  Yeah, I will.

He:  Jus imagine, we became so nice friends just on the first day.

She:  Yeah, what a co incidence, I got 56 chat requests, and I talked only with you.

He:  J

She:  Hey, will you keep on talking or go to sleep?

He:  Jaane ka mann nahi kar raha hai ;)

She:  Shaitan. Chalo jao.

He:  Bye.

She:  Bye.

He:  Kal aana zaroor.

She:  Sure. J

He:  Bye.

She:  Bye, good night.

He:  Good night.

She:  bye.

He:  Bye.


She dreamt about him the whole night.


To be continued, watch out for the next post... :)

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