Insanely sane… Surviving qualmless.

Insanely sane… Surviving qualmless.
I'm not a perfect person, But I never meant to do those things; And so I have to say before I go, That I just want myself to know. I've found out a reason for me,; To change who I used to be A reason to start over new, and the reason is you. I've found a reason to show, A side of me you didn't know; A reason for all that I do, Before I let you go...

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Nothing at all!


Nothing comes to me when I sit silently staring at the blank word document in front of me. But throughout the day thoughts keep passing in and out intermittently, as I sit quietly, head bowed to the book on which I cannot concentrate, yet to which I cling with uncanny irrelativeness, sensing a personal attachment to the death of the schizophrenic father when his son thinks, how he had conveyed father’s death to his mother as well as on her father’s death a number of years back, but that nobody had conveyed his fathers death to him, the irony stings as I reconsider similar situations, maybe that is the reason why I cling to it. It is in a similar way that I seem to cling to my gloominess now-a-days. I have stopped interacting with most of my friends, even though I pine to speak to them always, but now even they seem to refute my advances. The world rolls round and life goes on, but I seem to gradually detach myself as a cello tape gradually rolls away from the roll. The strangeness of these facts as mine own seemed to sting me in the initial days. But I have accepted them now, as human beings are submissive to the ways imposed on them.

Nothing seems to occur to me, as I am hardly moved by anything now, though I feel my every day encounters with reality effects me much more these days than they did in the past. I write for hour’s everyday, but I uncannily delete every word before I go to sleep, or save them up routinely in the archives to which I provide no one access, but I constantly seem to fall short of things to post, this seems to be the reason why I post so less these days. My initial attachment with blogging has also slackened and is gathering dust now-a-days. I spend less time in this and read fewer posts even! I even contemplated deleting my blog. A few old relationships are turning over a new leaf over the last few days, whereas people on whom I relied the most seem to be constantly moving away. I am not liking the situation, but I am not being able to do anything either.

I just could not find anything to write about, so just decided to put into unforgiving words my present status. Still, some things are better dealt with silently rather than trying to communicate it and in the process making it more incomprehensible. This strange passiveness is frightening me sometimes, but I feel strangely at peace with it sometimes too!

Thank you if you had the patience to read through the crap atleast!


Please do read and comment on my efforts if you find this post popping up anywhere near you :P

9 comments:

Brosreview said...

I can feel you! Pardon me, your writing is so good in this one! It is far from crap, now, that is for sure. Although, yes, I do sympathise and I'm provoked to write that you need to be stronger. Nevertheless, take care Diya!

ANWESA said...

Coming here after a real long time.
Was not happy to read the post..but at the sametime I guess its a phase..it'll pass. The sense of detachment,rapid shifts from cheer to despair is all a part of life. You need to catch sometime for yourself I guess...be yourself baby and the world will be rosy again....

JoHn said...

So very similar to some of my posts...and yeah it's just a phase...trust me...

Mahesh Sindbandge said...

Hey thats not something whish is uncommon :P

It happens with me too... glad u did that :)

been busy with some default task in my company..once done ..ll be back woth something :)

TC..cya

Cheers

(¯`•._.•[Raaji]•._.•´¯) said...

we all get those fuzzy emotions and jumbled thoughts. Hopefully it will make more sense with time :-)

Walker said...

Sometimes we all get detached from the roll and are left flapping around trying to get a grip on what we had to hold onto.
I have become that way with many things in my life but have found other ways to fill the gap.
As for blogging I took some time off to find what I lost and came back with nothing old but a new resolve to post as I feel when i feel and to read blogs in the same manner.
To enjoy reading you words when i seek them

Aniket said...

Now I know the last thing you want to hear is a motivational lecture. And believe me am the last person who'll ever give that.

Life throws a hell lot of a crap at us, but we need to be able to a punch in more than one ways.

I have already made the wrong decisions you mention. Deleted my first blog. Went off the grid for a while. Its not all bad, as I needed that time alone to figure out things for myself.

But I now realize how troubling that was for everyone who cared a dime about me. No matter how rude I was to them, my old friends stuck by me and steered me through.

I just believe that one should never be totally dependent on anyone or anything. No one is worth it (many would disagree saying there is someone out there). I too am waiting for THE ONE to light up my life. But I know she'll not be the ONLY Reason I'd want to wake up the next day.

Find in yourself something. Something you know you're good at. Something you like doing with all the passion. And that should drive you through everything.

Me, I write it out and that clears my head. I think you've tried the same too. So find that passion and put yourself to it.

Now cheer up and write some good poetry. :)

Randeep said...

:( I too felt like this long ago. But I found it was my problem. Not others. Then I changed myself. Now others want me as ones I wanted them. We have to treat others in the same way we want to be treated dear. There is nothing wrong with you. Everything will be alright.

Cheers
Randeep

Heavenly Muse said...

hmmm....one of my teachers used to say..'''don't ever lose ''THE REAL YOU''.....i used to ask ''sir,what do you mean by ''the REAL YOU''.with the pessage of time i got the anwser...The Real You holds ones true genuine personality...in order to keep in touch with our ownself...we are supposed to have strong belief in us.